Just a Small Town Girl at Heart

Growing up in a small town has its challenges, but it was a good life and a safe place as a child until real life stepped in. I was happy, disciplined, respectful, helpful and eager to learn from both my mom and my dad. One of my cherished memories was walking to grandma's apartment or department as she called it after school, and occasionally Lisa D would accompany me and we would stop by her Aunt Cora's along the way. It was a fun and rewarding experience. As I mentioned, mom and grandma had some friction, and I never really fully understood why until dad passed and mom started sharing with me more as her dementia grew. It's strange to know the more you lose your memory the more you share but I was thankful to have that time. Grandma was a great mentor, she taught me how to sew, make ice box cookies and many times tried to teach me to crochet and tat linens; I don't think I had the patience to stay on task for those lessons, but I appreciated the effort she made to teach me. She had the coolest knick knacks, a lot of which my dad sent her when he was in the Air Force, and small porcelain figurines that perched on a shadow box that she let me take down and playhouse with. She trusted that I would put them back in their place when I was done. Grandma was hip to me, I felt like she understood me, and more so that I was the daughter she never had. Her brother Herman lived with her until he passed away, he kind of gave me the creeps to be honest, but I enjoyed the time with grandma, so I overcame it. I got to spend the night at her apartment just for fun or when mom and dad had some party to attend. Grandma Clara was the one who introduced me to the Twilight Zone, I would get to park cross legged eagerly in front of her old black and white tv and still remember listening to the intro wide eyed anticipating what I would see that I probably shouldn't especially before bedtime which is why I probably had some freaky ass dreams at night for many years. It was overwhelming the fear I would wake up with, sometimes creepy dolls which one could attribute to the Twilight zone, but the dreams were crippling, and mom did not know how to help me through them, but she would sit with me and pass time doing laundry and wrap me up in a fresh warm towel out of the dryer and that comfort remains vivid today. After grandma's brother passed away, she would tell me I could sleep in his room in his old bed, but I couldn't do it. I tried, a couple of time, but something gave me the heebie jeebies and I would sneak in her room and crawl in bed with her for comfort, that was one of many times I would learn to trust my instincts and gut feelings that although took many years to fully realize would help me on my life journey. Grandma and I would walk downtown in Renville, trekking the 8 blocks to get a few groceries and treats at the dime store. I loved that store and Hagens Market that was next door to her (our) old house. We would frequently run into Gene Jacobs who would, like clockwork, say Hi Joni, would you like a stick of gum? He ALWAYS had a pack of spearmint Wrigley's in his pocket ready to share and I happily obliged. If you knew Gene, you could probably hear his voice and prompt your own recollection. Grandma toted me along to a lot of gatherings, her friend's birthday parties, church events, I can still smell the coffee and "old people" stuff; it was interesting listening and learning from them and hearing the stories they would tell. A fascination and trait I carry with me in being a good listener and not wanting to miss out on a learning opportunity, plus they always had cake, which is my weakness still today. The same holds true in that I watched my dad help my grandma, shop for her, pay her bills, whatever she needed, and at times I felt that it was part of the friction with mom and grandma, dad's willingness to "jump" for his mother. Looking back and recognizing that he needed to be the man of the house after grandpa died, even while dad was away in the military and taking care of us kids was no easy feat, but I understood it and I learned from it which is why it was easy for me to put my life on hold when it came to taking care of both of my parents in the same fashion. People always ask, how do you do it all, my response is not just of or for me, but most of us are decent human beings and will not think twice about how far, how much, or how long, we just do. Paying attention early in life, although lessons were learned. I have come to realize that tucking those lessons on an invisible shelf would later prove to be a coping and survival mechanism, that would enable me to be able to survive the really tuff stuff. It's never too late to pay attention, to relearn, or have a willingness to understand others, far too often we blame our behavior on our past. There is a difference between blaming your past and recognizing and holding yourself accountable for those events, even when they are out of your control. I do not agree with putting your past behind you and forgetting it, that would mean that I would have to forget about my youth, my upbringing, my friends and my family; and I for one and not willing to let any of them stay in my past. The teaching of our past help us make better choices in our future and offer support and encouragement to others. That is my ultimate goal, but we have some stories and lessons to share before we get there. Trust me in that my willingness to be open about past events is both healing and a huge burden of release. I have nothing left to lose by being vulnerable. Hoping to have a jump start in posts over the next couple of weeks. Part of why I started with how I grew up, may help provide some understanding of who I am and how I was raised and mostly for my 2 living children to have a record of my life, there siblings lives and add onto it as we all continue to grow through grief. Thanks for reading, your support is appreciated beyond measure.

Love Lives On

Joan Marie